I’m Tired of Being Bipolar
And you are probably tired of reading rants.
Together, we are huge part of the internet that boomerangs its way back after taking, “digital detoxes”. The “Mentally ill” are finally being less stigmatized. Still, I am tired. I am doing all of the “right” things, but doubt I will ever feel “right.”
This off feeling can lead me to spiral up or down. The difficulties of being stuck in my mind, remind me to try to clean my brain up first. It is okay to skip laundry for a few days when I recognize that I am cleaning out the closets of my brain. I try to compartmentalize what can be, and dust off the rest.
The de-cluttering of thoughts is helped by meditation, medication, and walking without purpose.
Meditative breathing helps. Like a lizard or person with a head-cold, sometimes I hold one nostril closed while breathing through it’s opposite. Sitting in traditional meditation can be overwhelming, so I try to keep my practice simple. Another way to reel in the monkey mind when meditating is Mantra meditation. I repeat one word or phrase that feels good to focus on that rather than what’s for dinner, and which bill I may or may not have paid.
I am sick of being on medicine. Don’t worry, I am grateful to have access to it. I am sickened by the fact that others do not. I am not advocating for medicine for everyone due to adverse side effects and “putting a band-aid” on your problems. For me, it helps. I basically only know what day it is thanks to my medicine holder. It is a loyal friend. But to be honest, I am sick of the idea of relying on anything, let alone something smaller than my pinky to have such a big impact on my quality of life. This is a true marriage. I love my medicine but sometimes, really, really can’t stand it for leaving its socks everywhere.
Finally, hear me out. I know this idea may be wild. To do a thing without a gain in mind. There is always something that you can find to make meaning of a meandering walk, however, if you go into it with no intentions, that is when you get the most. There will not always be a result. Sometimes, you will be as angry at the end of the walk or even angrier than when you started. This rage periodically can only come back down to a simmer rather than be snuffed out entirely. That’s okay.
I am sick of being Bipolar. And sometimes wonder if it is sick of me.
